This issue’s East Side Pub Crawl is dedicated to those Champaign residents who think they have more happening in their town than we do here. Those people are wrong.

You can’t blame them, though. Their university does have a much cooler mascot than ours, right? I mean, at Millikin, fans yell out “Go Big Blue!” Frankly, opposing linebackers don’t find this all that intimidating. And that’s without even mentioning color-blind boosters. On the other hand, Chief Illiniwek no longer responds promptly to our emails. Let’s call it a draw.

Decatur Magazine felt it fitting to bring in a fair and impartial jury to settle some misperceptions commonly held by our eastern brethren. Conveniently, our “British Isles and Beyond” Shields Family Reunion is taking place early this year. Your panel:

Aunt Matilda (Sydney, Australia)
Uncle Paddy O’Shields (County Antrim, Ireland) – a.k.a. “Paddington” or “The Paddington Bear,” in part due to his excessive fondness for yellow rain gear
Aunt Tabby and her friend Tallulah (Winston-Salem, North Carolina)
Uncle Remus (Nobody really knows where he came from or how he fits into the family tree. He just shows up and tells stories and takes all the good pieces of fried chicken.)

Champaign Myth #1
There is no civilization in Illinois beyond Champaign and Chicago. There is a vague rumor of an important city to the west – but that city is Springfield.

BENNIGAN’S
This Irish pub chain is not “Almost to Champaign,” as hungry friends have complained to us in the past. We don’t know who started such a ridiculous rumor. Sheesh. Benny’s is three minutes from the lake, tops.

How Irish Is It? Uncle Paddy totters over from the long, glossy bar and hiccups. “Quite,” he opines. He holds in his hand what he refers to as The Belfast Breakfast: half a Guinness plus a shot of “Nutty Irishman” – Bailey’s, Jameson’s Whiskey, and Frangelico. Sometimes he substitutes Kahlua if he feels like adding a nip of “sunshine.” For him, that counts as a vacation.

Now even on a typical Tuesday, this man wears a lot of corduroy. For the reunion, though, he’s outdone himself. His emerald wide-wale pants, a sports coat of same in camel, a plaid driving cap turned backwards, and an old-fashioned silk cravat knotted perfectly at his throat.

What’s on Tap? (However far he is up the Ale Tree, Paddy can always tell you this.) A second ago he was dozing off at the table. But he snaps to attention at this request.

“Guinness, Harp, Bass, Killian’s, Newcastle, Blue Moon, Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite,” he intones. Tabby goes over to check his memory and finds it flawless. “That’s in order of preference, my boy,” he adds, indicating he would like me to buy him another round.

Tallulah points out that he forgot the draft Sprecker’s Root Beer. Paddy looks at her blankly.

Menu Specialties: Annie the Hostess suggests their new line of fajitas, especially the mixed grill combination featuring shrimp, steak, and chicken. Rickie recommends the Fajita Pita and says to ask for extra sauce on the side. Justin the Server likes the Country Chicken Wrap. Talullah’s especially fond of the battered Monte Cristo sandwich. Then again, the woman even wants her peas deep-fried.

NOTE: At Bennigan’s, kids eat free on Tuesdays and all the burgers are $4.99 on Wednesdays. The dessert list is sublime.

Champaign Myth #2
There are no celebrities living in Decatur. Unlike in Champaign, where we have The Zooker.

RUBY TUESDAY
If Bennigan’s is three minutes from the lake, then this is one and a half. How do you like that, Champaign? In these days of exorbitant gas prices, WE like it a lot. Oddly, Aunt Tilly thinks this is far more Australian than any Outback Steakhouse. “How so?” we want to know.

“For one thing, Crocodile Dundee is the salad prep guy,” she says.

Sure enough, there’s former actor and fallen star Paul Hogan waving from the kitchen. He’s chopping lettuce with his giant knife while the other cooks stand waaaaaaaaay back from his work station. He even has on his trademark black hat. Guess Lightning Jack didn’t do the trick.

What’s on Tap? Sometimes people say Uncle Remus is blind. But he sure can scope out a beer list. “Blue Moon, Sammy Adams Boston Lager, Stella Artois, and Miller Lite.”

Tabby points out that Bud Light is also offered. Uncle Remus shakes his head sagely. “Jenny says they plan on bumpin’ that for Sierra Nuh-vah-dah Pale Ale.”

Menu Specialties: Jennifer Smith, the bartender, is partial to the Chicken Oscar. Tilly, a carnivore if ever there was one, favors the Triple Prime Burger, medium-rare. (Extra-light on the medium.) The Jumbo Lump Crab Burger is not appealingly named, but Aunt Tabby likes it.

Champaign Myth #3
There are no bars completely and unabashedly devoted simply to the adulation of sports.

SLIDERZ
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, we give you Sliderz.

It’s fairly crowded, but Uncle Remus gets people to abandon a table by reciting the Ol’ Tar Baby story. They look startled. When he gets to the part about the briar patch and Brer Rabbit jumps in, a waitress hollers for a manager. We get seated pretty darn quick and try to look innocent.

What’s on Tap? Smithwick’s, Blue Moon, Amber Bock, Honker’s Ale, Bud Light, Miller Lite.

Menu Specialties: Everything is baseball-themed. Appetizers are “Warm Ups,” from which the menu progresses to On Deck, From the Outfield, The Bullpen, Fouls, and Extra Innings. Uncle Remus expresses his pleasure at the Triple Play by yelping, “Da Tar Baby, he don’t let go!” Apparently, this is true. He has the chicken breast, shaved ham, bacon, BBQ, and cheese partially plastering his bib overalls.

Everyone around us looks confused, but he’s happy so we let him be. We’ve lost Paddy someplace, but he’ll wander home. Just try finding local color like this in Champaign, folks. We’ve said it before and we’ll keep saying it. You cannot BUY entertainment like this.

SUGGESTED ITINERARY
Tabby and Talullah are teetotalers now (they didn’t used to be, though – think Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood). So having drivers to convey us pub to pub is no problem. As always, if you like to enjoy the wine of the country, we encourage you to pick up the phone and call the boys at Baldwin Shuttle. It’s fun. It’s easy. It’s less expensive than your lawyer and the fine and the three days in jail.

We recommend setting up your own crawl to look like this:

1) Sliderz for the Warm Up round
2) Ruby T’s to enjoy an entrée of choice and talk about how cool it is that the original is in fact a still-existent campus bar at Ohio State.
3) Hit Bennigan’s for dessert (or a second round of dinner). Then request that the Baldwin Boys wait while you catch a late screening at The Strand.

TOTALLY UNBIASED OUT-OF-TOWNER VERDICT:
“We don’t mean to toast Champaign. But Decatur, we really DO like it here!”

Contributor Zachary Shields has quite the interesting — and ever-expanding —family. And to their delight, they appear with relative frequency in the pages of Decatur Magazine.