This pub crawl folk tale is dedicated to our near, dear neighbors to the north.

Legend has it that a brave soul named Saul Levere once galloped at breakneck pace from his farm on Mound Road to Lincoln Square. The whole way he stood tall in his stirrups to broadcast the news:“The Forsythians are coming! The FORSYTHIANS are coming! One lantern if by tractor! Two if by Stevens Creek!”

Having stopped to water his faithful mare, Saul also ducked inside for an hour to play poker with the Chiligiris gang. He won two bits, then lost four dollars.

But that’s not really part of this story. The point is they gave him some bathtub gin, and he didn’t really care that Angelo somehow had five aces. By the time he wandered back outside, though, he’d forgotten why he rode so fast in the first place.

Curious Decaturites, now gathered around the Transfer House (back when it really was a Transfer House, and buckboards congregated near it like so many smallmouth bass by a mossy rock), waited patiently, as good Decaturites do, for something interesting to happen.

At last the mayor politely cleared his throat. “Saul? You were saying?”

Levere looked blank for a second. Then he remembered. “The Forsythians are coming!”

The crowd gasped audibly. The mayor only chuckled. “Yes, Saul. We know. We invited them.”

Some citizens grew restless at this news. Some suggested these visitors might decide they enjoyed all the things Decaturites already loved about living in the city limits. Like the fountain. Like gyros. Like all the Lincoln statues.

The mayor stuck his thumbs through his suspenders and shook his head. He assured his constituency that they were being hasty, and that the city manager said this was surely not the case. So everyone ceased to worry and got back to preparing the Sunday picnic.

O’Charley’s

If there’s one thing our northern brethren do have in spades, it’s franchise restaurant chains. But interestingly, the bars in these restaurants manage to avoid seeming overly chain-like. We think it’s the people. Or the hooch, but let’s not overanalyze this. The important thing is that none of these bars seems excessively packaged. If you drink two beers and close your eyes and shut out the sound of commercialism all around you, it almost feels like a neighborhood bar.

On Tap: Leinenkugel’s Summer Sunset (seasonal), Killian’s, Michelob Amber Bock, Budweiser, Bud Light, Miller Lite.
Complimentary O’Doul’s available to designated drivers – a very nice courtesy indeed.

On the Grill: Steak Tips Monterey (over rice pilaf with a sauté of mushrooms, onions, and Monty Jack cheese), Louisiana Sirloin, Blackened Rainbow Trout, Cedar-Planked Salmon. Also: Try the Spanish Omelette at the O’Charley’s Sunday brunch.

Texas Road House

You can often spot this place by the lines snaking out the door, which is likely why Texas Road House now offers “call ahead seating.” Call from home, tell them your arrival time and the number in your party, and they’ll give you a confirmation number. While it’s not the same as a reservation, it cuts down considerably on in-restaurant wait time.

Should you choose to mingle with the wait crowd, though, you’ll find plenty of nuts to crack. Literally. Bins of peanuts are strategically placed throughout the restaurant, and you’re welcome to toss shells on the floor. Ice-cold beer, hand-cut steaks, and hot rolls topped with homemade cinnamon butter, are the favorites here.

On Tap: The Usual Suspects, plus one or two curiosities depending on what month you stop by. Don’t worry, Bud Light fans. You will not walk away without quenching your craving for that taste you so enjoy…

On the Grill: Something called Chicken Critters (?!), Smothered, Oven Roasted, or BBQ Chicken, Country Veg Plate, Grilled Shrimp, Pork Chops, Sweet Potatoes

Applebee’s

Feelin’ Good in Your Neigh-bor-hood! It says so right there on the sign. And in all the TV ads.

The management staff here is courteous and professional, though more businesslike than at a true corner tavern. Less small talk, you know? Somewhat like that eighth-grade girl you kissed in the sixth-grade. Knowledgeable. Unflustered. Polite, while vaguely unimpressed with your presence. Not that the bartenders here serve your beer then stand snapping their gum or anything.

On Tap: Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Genuine Draft, Michelob Light, Miller Lite, Corona Extra, Heineken, Sam Adams, Killian’s (Note – four or five of these typically are available on draft, the rest bottled.)

On the Grill: Steak & Honey Grilled Salmon, Steak & Shrimp Seasoned Skewers, Steak & Roasted Garlic & Asiago Chicken, seven excellent salad selections, a Brushetta Burger

Cheddar’s

We enjoy the patio, even though the sound of traffic on 51 North falls just shy of a thundering buffalo herd. Shoot, when the Lincoln Lounge was first established there were still actual buffalo rumbling by on our southerly stretch of the same road . . .

On Tap: Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite, Michelob Amber Bock

On the Grill: Chicken Tenders are exceedingly popular here; the World Class Bacon Burger is pretty notable. To stick with the batter and deep-fried theme, try the Chicken-Fried Steak. But fear not, veg-heads – both our vegetarian buddies named Keith liked the salads, too!

The chief virtue of these four spots is that you truly can crawl from one to the next if need be. Seriously – all the parking lots connect.

So, just for instance, in one purely hypothetical example, your “shoppier” family members can shop their hearts out at Hickory Point Mall, while the rest of you sit and happily socialize in a more restful setting. And you have a built-in designated driver when your shoppers scoop you up and pour you into the car.

Plus, you have a better sense of humor about the whole thing when she explains why she had to buy not one, not two, but three pairs of black slip-on heels for work, even though they all kind of look the same to you.

Happy mall-waiting!

Creative history re-writer Zachary Shields is a regular contributor to Decatur Magazine.